Monsieur, your...

masseuse.

Got my first massage today thanks to a valentimes gift certificate. I had a bunch of thoughts about it, which probably made me more tense.

1: My feet. I cleaned them, but they were still really close to the lady's face. That made me wicked nervous.

2: They play this sort of elevator-esque flute/harp/warbley violin cd while they rub you. I thought just the birds out the window would have been quite enough. On the other hand, the music did drown out the lady's incessant sniffling. And also...I think she burped a couple of times.

3: Experimental theater thing where you make your whole body go limp came in real handy. It's also really weird that professional massage-ers really have to toe the line between acting like they're dealing with an inanimate lump and acting like they're touching a real human more than any other professional I've ever dealt with. I feel like the lady today acted much too much in the way of the former. Shit was pretty uncomfortable.

4: At the end of the thing, I felt less tense than i did when it started, but then in trying to feel whether i was tense or not, i tensed up again. I give the overall effect of the thing like a 6.5 out of 10. When i was leaving the lady said she thinks i need to come back for an hour, i was one of the tightest individuals she'd ever massaged. That makes sense i guess. Maybe i simply did not have enough credits at my disposal to beat the last boss i.e. the way my hamstrings, hips, lower back, upper back, and neck are all fucked up in these ways that are complex and interrelated.

I think sitting at a computer is also causing problems.

-kevassage

Some days...

...the intense sunshine and the overwhelming desire to be outside and ride your bike and pet your dog and work with your hands and be in love right at this very second and bare your arms and legs or your whole torso if you like and drink beer and laugh and laugh and laugh makes you feel like what you're doing isn't probably the right thing and...



what're you tongs like?

-kevinned in

Lurking, waiting...

...to bite your foot off.

The other day I was thinking about animal sneak attacks. While I was thinking about it, I remembered that the wobbegong shark is my favorite kind of shark.



Look at that thing! It's awesome! It belongs to the subfamily called 'carpet sharks'...really! Carpet sharks! Say it out loud!

And the best thing about this shark is that it's a clever shark. It just sits there on the ocean floor...biding its time...pretending to be dirt...THEN IT GETS YOU!

I mean, it kinda gets you. It probably just gets your foot, because it's not a very big shark...but still...*CHOMP*.

The wobbegong shark is so badass that sometimes it messes people up so bad they think that they were attacked by Jaws or something.

Here is a video from youtube demonstrating why the wobbegong shark is the coolest shark*.



Carpet shark!
-kevegong

*I couldn't actually find any video of a wobbegong shark eating other fish in the wild, but trust me, i remember it from 3rd grade and it is awesome.

I now have...

...a camera! And I use it!

Poorly!

I've been/will be going lots of places in the last/next few months. I've never been really good at providing visual proof that I went somewhere. I'm going to try a little harder now. I've started a photobucket or flickr or whatever (i really don't remember which one it is now, honestly) from when i went to England. I'll put up the web address sooner or later.

Don't have a lot of time just at this moment, went to San Francisco, here are three (un)mentionables.

1: My own personal philosophy on moovin' and groovin', succinctly presented on a Chinatown billboard:



2: Run for your lives!



3: While we were driving through San Francisco, Cameron, my traveling buddy for the day exclaimed, "Holy Shit! Jack Nicholson!"



Not exactly, Cam.

W00000! Spring break Oh Ten! Take off your shiiiirt!

-kevin gate bridge

The shit...

...you say in your sleep. It's ridiculous sometimes.

Last night, totally unconscious, I muttered to Emily:

"Your love is worth 211 dollars"

"That's all?" she asked.

"...for 75 ounces," I replied.

That's $2.81 an ounce!

There's another blog that's totally devoted to this lady's husband's hilarious sleep talking.

Funny stuff.

-kevpor

I won't....

...be compelled to buy stain remover or dishwashing liquid or a new car or a television so i can watch tbs' new lineup or a coca cola or 8 coca colas or a movie theater for a night so i can host a corporate meeting there or tickets to the olympics or more popcorn than i already bought because you advertise these things before the movie that i already payed $19.50 to watch.

(Breath)

1/ Let me start over. I don't watch very many movies in theaters. I prefer to rent movies that came out 5 years ago and have been thoroughly recommended to me and cost a dollar because a) they cost a dollar and b) i can pick which previews to watch and if i don't like them my remote control gives me the real ultimate power to skip through all the bull. If i'm ever at the movies it's because Emily likes them and so i go because i like her.

2/ I don't watch too many moving ads. I don't have the cable on the teevee. And when the ads attack my computer screen i can just switch to another window or check out what's going on in the living breathing world or whatever.

So there's your preface.

I think you can put 2 and 2 and diatribe together. I don't know when it happened but sometime between when i stopped watching big-picture movies (10th grade?) and when i started up again cuz of a relationship, they switched from still picture ads and cool little trivia stuff to the asinine practice of cramming loud commercials for 'the shit that no one needs, which drives our economy higher and our collective existence lower' into every minute prior to the beginning of the advertisements for other movies. (I can actually vaguely remember the initial phase of all this for some reason...It was a very strange bunch of advertisements, with a gender-split set of perfumes that came out of spritz bottles. Everyone remembers seeing commercials for "Bod Man" fragrances at movie theaters, "Hot Bod! Lean Bod! I WANT your bod.... I think everyone remembers this because it was fucking bizarre. What no one remembers is the commercials that came either immediately before or after Bod Man with animated fairies and a female chorus singing something about fantasies but it was obviously just the same bottle with a different name printed on it. They were equally bizarre but nobody remembers them. But so yea, i think that was the start of the pre-movie product adverts and it also might have been the direct antecedent of Axe Body Spray. A low point for humanity indeed).

So, now, you have the pre-ads, the ads, and then your movie. In the foreseeable future, it's reasonable to assume that 'previews' for network television and 'film entries' by amateurs intended to creatively express their love of a particular soft drink or t-shirt or ribbed condom or whatever will be preceded by even MORE ads that are just commercials like you'd see on television. It's totally possible that i'll bitch about how much i hate the pre-pre-pre ads on the internet in a few years.

It ain't right, i tell you. Just ain't right,

Kevsumer

P.S. Shutter Island is a quality piece of movie-work. I licked it.

P.S.S. They should really think about serving popcorn shrimp at movie theater concession stands. That would be the jam.

Dear....

...Everyone,

I have something to say.



Tights. Are. Not. Pants.

Apparently, there is an entire website devoted to saying as much (linked above). There's also a blog. http://unfashionableindecency.wordpress.com/page/3/

I don't care. I need to write it myself. Because Athens, Georgia is so full of people whose butts and other crevices have overwhelmed my eyes by that i can no longer remain silent.

Tights are not pants!

Tights are designed to keep your legs warm if you want to wear a skirt on a chilly day. Tights should be worn under jeans on an even colder day. Tights are a totally functional and acceptable piece of clothing. But they are not pants.

To those with nice butts: Even beautiful things become less so when their most intimate details are highlighted. I wish i could say that i appreciate your generosity in providing these details.

To those with less-than-nice butts: I am now painfully aware of your gluteal curse. Painfully, painfully aware.

By extension, your oversized sweatshirt isn't a shirt. Your large men's button down isn't a shirt. Your trashy skirt isn't a less trashy skirt if I can still see your butt, only it's a different color.



Tights as pants person, i can't even respect you like i respect the dreadlock rattail guy. (I love that guy). You gotta respect yourself.

And everyone who doesn't want to see your butt.

Which is most of us.

Tights aren't pants,
-kevin police

Teh....

...swamped.

I'm really-super-not-even-joking-migraine's-coming-on-type busy right now.

But: i committed to writing a letter to the internet at least once or twice a week. I'm afraid if i don't write now, i won't write later (interesting to use a colon there rather than a comma. Legit?)

So...uh...here's this Fergie video.



If any of you got my 15 songs, this was one of them. I like this song very, very much. The video takes it to a whole new level. It very well may be in my top multiple of ten which is smaller than 50 of all time.

I don't like the Black Eyed Peas. I don't like Fergie very much at all. I love this song. There's a grip of incoherent reasoning behind all that, which I won't go into here. Ask me about it sometime.

So in love witchoo,
-my lovely lady kevs

Apparently...

...Del tha Funky Homosapien



is Ice Cube's...



cousin.

Crazy! I had no idea!

(I am SO happy i decided to google image search cousin)

A warm blanket wrapped around your heart,

-all in the kevmily

i been...

...in a kinda blue-ish hue.

That's prolly why i been writing a lot about music and my life's little oddities and not much stuff i think about real stuff.

I think i've also avoided heavier topics cause my brain's been pretty gummed up recently. Nothing's coming out particularly clear. My sister says that this thing i wrote about the mountain goats reads like a confused high school girl's account of her new BF's erratic behavior. That's fair. If anyone were actually reading my space letters, it's prolly pretty clear that i'm preoccupied about some stuff.

Stuff.

But whatever!

If you've been feeling kinda this way too...this song's for you! It is my Mildly Depressed Person Late Winter Jam!

It's pretty much perfect for when you feel like you might lack some things, but things are going right, but you can't quite appreciate them cause of the things you're worried you might be lacking.

The song is called "I ain't got no...I got Life." It's by Le Volume Courbe. i don't know anything about the person/people who made this song except that they made it.

You can listen to it here.

I heard it because of a music blog called a Motel de Moka that i'll peruse now and then. I dislike 80% of the music they put up there. I really really really like 15% of it. I have a feeling it wasn't created for folks like me, but i'm glad it's there nonetheless.

I hope you like that song.


-kevbruary

A quick word on...

...messenger bags.

I have worn one as my primary mode of carrying things for schools since I started as an undergraduate at the University of Minnesota. I think it is time for me to stop.

Here is the short version of why this is so:



(Photo credit to Emily for managing to avoid both my face and my nipples)

As much as I like have one extremely pronounced trapezius muscle, the ensuing back problems as a result of this imbalance aren't quite worth it.

I started wearing this Jansport messenger bag that my mom bought me (thanks mom!) for a few reasons:



1/ Cuz all the cool kids were doing it.
2/ Kept my laptop safe.
3/ Pretty much the only reason was #1.

When I learned to ride a bike again, I also discovered that the bag fit very well on the small of my back (and again, adding the bike reinforced #1).

Problems started when I started having to carry a lot of heavy books AND a laptop in the bag. I could see little tears in the bottom of the bag. My left shoulder would be sore for days on end. I started noticing hump on my left shoulder when I would shrug. All of this culminated in the sturdy little plastic piece of my bag responsible for regulating strap length snapping loudly as a dropped the bag in place as I'd done hundreds of times one spring day in 2008.

The Jansport bag was dead after 4 solid years of service. I honored it by refusing to buy a new bag until last March. Using a bag with a bad strap is a stupid, stupid idea.

So, I bought a new bag. It was this Chrome bag, which I believed would better distribute the weight of the shit I put in my bag.



Among my other rationalizations for getting this bag were, of course, reason #1.

I had coveted the bags when I worked with a bunch of hipsters at a cafe. And when I was crushin on bike girls at about the same time. And when I frequented nasty basement house parties. I always dismissed impulses to buy one because I "didn't want to be one of those jerks." Here in Georgia, however, we are so far from Seattle that I deemed it safe to be one of those jerks because would know a Chrome bag from a Timbuk2 (or whatever your flavor pretentious commuter carryall). So...I ponied up and had one shipped from Portland via Craigslist.

I was definitely wrong in my assumption. People still wear those bags here. And those people still suck. I try to avoid thinking about whether I am one of those people (read: probably).

I should have mentioned earlier that I've actually measured how much weight I put on one shoulder on a daily basis using the scale at the gym. With just some shorts on, I weigh ~173 lbs. With my bag, my weight is usually between 205 and 215 lbs.

Knowing this, I've concluded that no strap width can ease the back pain and weird muscle growth that continues with my current bag. It's time to go back to elementary school. It's time to blend in with the chemistry nerds. It's time to really deserve those scoffs of the fixed-gear kids.

It's time to get...a...backpack.

I'ma get this one!



And that's the story of how I carry stuff for school.

Jesus Christ, the longest post I've written in a long time is about bags.

Disgusted with myself,

-kevpack

Audience...

...and intent.



For most of the time of the time that I have been writing on this thing, I've made it my goal to kind of fluctuate between personal updates about what's going on with me and thoughts about cool stuff and problems as they occur to me. I hope you've had fun with it so far.

On a recommendation from Emily, i went ahead and wrote the tracking code for google analytics into my blog and immediately started spying on the people who are spying on me. I kind of imagine there's an google metanalytics, where interested people can see how often and how long neurotic folks (!!!) spend checking to see who's looking at their blog.

Aside from being an occasional ego boost/crusher, the analytics thing's got me thinking about why i write and who i write for. Is it for me? Is it for all 2-6 of you who intentionally come to this website to read about me and what i think and then wonder why you did it? Or is it for that 11 year old in Melbourne who mistakenly ended up at my blog, thinking that it was written by representatives of Kevtronics Inc, which offers "a variety of specialized computer & electronics services for both residential & commercial applications."

I have no idea, really. It's interesting to think about it though. Having an awareness of the fact that random people from all over the world stumble on my blog even for 00:00:00 units of time makes me a little hesitant to post pictures of myself kissing my dog.

I'm definitely chewing on this.

blah blah,
-kevincarnate

In a total blogging aboutface...

...i bring you a jam.

Thanks to Zoe, for cluing me in to the "Best of Bootie 2009 V.2 Mix," specifically, a mashup of Miley Cyrus and the Notorious B.I.G titled "Party and Bullshit (In the USA)."

THIS,

my friends, should be played at your next party, regardless of who is coming or what the event is for.

I was never a big mashup guy (thought the Girltalk thing was a bit overplayed and all that), but i certainly think they have a place in music and can be great. This is definitely one of those instances of greatness. Not only do the guitar part and the beat sync to near perfection, Hathbanger doesn't include any unnecessary filler samples or coverup beats to compensate for rhythmic imperfections.

Best of all, the all important content of the songs makes them perfect for pairing. Miley's singing about how incredible a party she's never been to in her life is. Biggie's celebrating a party that he seems to live for.

Unfortunately, i've been singing the Miley Cyrus parts to myself nonstop, giving lots and lots of people the wrong idea.

Nodding my head like yeah. Moving my hips like YEAH,

-party in the kta

Even when desperation calls for compassion....

...sinister things lurk.

Haiti's earthquake is incredibly disheartening when understood as the fragility that comes with a colonial history, constant political instability due to internal and external pressure, and almost total dependence on aid and trade from abroad. This idea gets reinforced over and over again when rhetoric like "saving Haiti" gets thrown around the media, even when it is intended to provoke donations from people around the world. In world affairs, the country is made to be a helpless infant adrift in the ocean, constantly falling prey to tempests it cannot stave off.

While Haiti's economic, political, and social problems and the language people use to describe them are issues in and of themselves, they tend to be readily apparent. The frightening thing, then, is considering what we don't see in the context of a relief effort. Learning that millions of dollars have been sent to Haiti via text message is easy.

Learning how staunch free trade advocates would like to use widespread devastation and human suffering to produce profit for the wealthy is a little more difficult. This release by the Heritage Foundation is an incredible illustration of what Naomi Klein has called "Disaster Capitalism," using natural and human disasters to push pro-corporate agendas in poor countries.

Deleted from the Heritage Foundation's original release:

"In addition to providing immediate humanitarian assistance, the U.S. response to the tragic earthquake in Haiti earthquake offers opportunities to re-shape Haiti’s long-dysfunctional government and economy as well as to improve the public image of the United States in the region."

Sinister things lurk.

humbled and hoping,
-kevlar

Everything changes...

...when you love some(love some LOVE SOME)one.

It appears that my favorite musical act in the world has become fodder for the Indie Christian Youth Movement.

In the grand scheme of things, this is pretty much insignificant. And yet, in my current place of physical, emotional, and intellectual stasis, it has managed to make me kinda sad.

I am in no place to speak for a guy who i said "hi" to once and whose music i tend to get a little fanboy about, but this whole thing is really a no win for me.

Either,

A) the Mountain Goats did something really brave by naming all of their songs after parts of the Bible and then sincerely writing music about the conflict between having a pretty messed up go of it in life but finding deep faith in that depth without necessarily being "church-going indie-rock royalty" (as revelife would have it) who have unquestioningly submitted themselves to Jesus as an alternative to the secular madness they've explored in previous work, but they've been pegged that way because they mention stuff that Christian youth can dig.

or

B)They actually are "church-going indie-rock royalty" (as revelife would have it) who have unquestioningly submitted themselves to Jesus as an alternative to the secular madness they've explored in previous work.

It's rampant misrepresentation that shouldn't bother me but does on one hand, a message I'm conflicted about on the other. I should probably buy the record and stop worrying about what people have to say about it. It's a bizarre development regardless of whether or not I choose to do this.

Adrift,
-prosthelytevin

Can you...

...paint with all the colors of the wind?

I am not a movie critic. i hate movie critics. Almost as much as i hate Michael Cera (but not quite as much as i hate Michael Cera). That was my superficial and unnecessary preface to this, uh, discussion of a movie i just saw. i think you can guess what comes next.

Avatar was a terrible movie. Everybody i know who was not a wonky wonk liberal arts nerd (see: everyone i was friends with in college) loved this movie. Visually pretty? Yes. Prettier than District 9? Not really. Rife with thematic elements from District 9? Yeah, pretty much.

400 million dollars was the budget for this film. We could treat half the cases of malaria in the world with that amount.

This, however, is not a relative cost of entertainment versus real problems thing. It is just astounding that a movie that bad could cost 400 million dollars.

Avatar was essentially a computer-rendered combination of: Fern Gully (Awesome movie, btw) and Pocahontas (hence the title of this thing. there is definitely a scene where he owns the earth and still all he'll own is earth until...), complete with the _exact same_ mech robot driven by crazed military commander versus guy coming to terms with his alien identity climax fight scene.



I love a lot of people who told me they liked it for the quiet messages it sent to the audience. I did not have the heart to tell them that the "ecological awareness" and "anti-war" themes were baseball bat subtle. I should note that most of Cameron's message was appreciable given the enormous number of people that will go see this film.



Anyway. Emily and I saw it for free. My first theater hopping experience definitely showed me that crime doesn't pay. On the other hand, the movie we actually paid for, Sherlock Holmes, was very, very good.

There, thorough reason to hate myself.

-kevatar(d?)

It's a new year...

...bros.

And my rez is as follows:

Do more with less.

It isn't nearly as specific as last year, but none of those worked out all that well. I think that's kind of a cool thing about blogs, you can track yer human progress.

I hope you all ate some black eyed peas and greens and ham (or maybe not ham) for luck this year,

-kevty-ten

Clearly...

...this is the most important and exciting thing that has ever happened in the world.

I don't know who has been keeping this a secret from me. But that person is a cruel person.

It

has

everything

i

have

ever

liked in my life.


Bjork - Triumph Of The Heart

Sungjae | MySpace Video

I want to be stuck in that video as a cameo forever and eternally. Like, if I had to just be a party guest or the cat's friend or something, and then when the movie was over we just started over again ad infinitum, I would be glad to do that.

I think break is a great time because I remember the things and the people that I like and who I am when I'm not fighting anything. Then when I come back to fight I'm a lot less tired. Expect big things from me.

-medulla kevlongata

Drinking coffee...

...in a corner, with my laptop, and it's cold outside.

...must be the holiday season.

...in the great white north.



I've finished traveling for the end of december. It went like this.

15 hours, GA to KS. 10 hours, KS to TX. 2 hours, TX to NM.

Got presents.

4 hours, NM to TX.

Got presents.

1 hour, west TX to east TX. 2 hours, TX to MO. 2 hours, MO to KS.

Got presents (!slapchop!).

2 hours, MO to KS. 2 Hours, MO to MN.

Getting qt with some very nice people. Better than presents.

Man o' man does 23 feel older than I used to be. Friends are engaged. Friends are married. Friend is divorced.

I want each of you to be happy as you can be for as long as you can.

-exhaustevin

reading...

...gud. A follow-up-esque thing about schools and why they are depressing sometimes.

Now, there's probably some good stuff going on somewhere. I haven't seen it, though. Therefore, it's difficult for me to describe it.

I was in schools and community after school spaces quite a bit in the last couple of weeks of the semester, wrapping up tutoring programs and collecting forms and all that business. While I was in those schools, I guess I just saw more things that made me frown than things that made me like, "woah, childrenz w/ growing brainz!"

While I was waiting for a kid to get picked up by his parents at the main elementary school I work at (the school refuses to provide transportation for my 24 tutoring kids so their parents, who usually work evenings, end up leaving work to get their kid) I picked up the school news letter and looked over it. The front page blew me away.

The introductory comments of the "Wildcatzette" read:

From the Principal's Desk....

I would like to stress the importance of reading in this month's edition of our newsletter. Reading is the most critical skill that we teach in school. Without reading, none of us would be successful! It's true! How else would your children be able to order off the menu at McDonald's or pick their favorite game to play at Chuck E. Cheese? How would our teachers know what course to take in the summer or how to select the latest best selling novel at Barnes and Noble? Listed below are a few tips for increasing reading at home with your child(ren). Please encourage reading everyday in your house. Your child should be reading at least twenty minutes every night at home.

1 Read aloud to your child every day.
2. Read different types of materials (newspapers, comic books, magazines)
3. Ask questions about what your child is reading.
4. Take your child to the public library.
5. Read for fun!

Sincerely,
Dr. XXX

I imagine something struck you as...vaguely wrong here. The principal has a DOCTORATE. They went to school for SEVERAL YEARS to hold this position. Yeesh.

On a me note, Manhapitan is much suckier when no one you know is in town except for your family. I guess I wasn't great at making friends in high school. Minneapolis will certainly be blast of fresh (cold) air.

-wildkevzette

Handsome...

...men.





Meet my thesis committee!

And a giraffe!

(The giraffe is not on my thesis committee)

-kevmaster

i like sports....

...and i don't care who knows.

But i usually don't write about it. The only thing related to sports that i write about is Ron Artest. I think this is probably because i love Ron Artest. He likes to fight, talk a lot of nonsense, and play defense. Ron Artest is his own man. You can read the first of many things i plan to write about Ron Artest in an earlier post.

Here are three things you may not have heard about Ron Artest.

1: He is not above throwing shoes to gain a competitive advantage (you have to watch to the end).



As a particular press conference involving George Bush Jr. has illustrated, throwing shoes can be awesome, whether your adversary is a bunch of imperialist assholes...or it's Trevor Ariza.

2: He used to drink Hennessy at halftime of NBA games.
. Like I said, Ron Artest is his own man. However, Ron Artest is not a role model.

3: Ron Artest loves animals. He is a spokesman for PETA's spay and neuter campaign.



Perhaps he is a role model, in his own special way.

You can have your sports icons, i don't want them. Me? I like my sports figures with some swagger. Ron Artest thinks that in his own way he's a more valuable player than Kobe Bryant. Ron Artest wants to fight Ben Wallace. Ron Artest's dog's name is John Henry.

For these and several other reasons, i think that Ron Artest might be my favorite professional basketball player.

Whew!

In me news, i am applying to law school. If anyone ever discovers this shit, i will not be accepted to any of them.

A role model in my own special way,
-kevronron

things...

...i want for Capitalismas

Freedom Tray

Hand Gun

Dog Snuggie

Yacht

Slapchop*

A star named after me in the star registry

Going Rogue

Rogue Trader

Rogue

Infrared Rotisserie

Americans create, advertise, and buy some really, really stupid stuff.

My sister asked me for a "stoneware (corrected) muffin pan" and she was totally serious. I will keep mocking her on this blog until she decides to read it. I now know she actually reads it, which somehow escaped the spies at google analytics....blast!

Shopping shopping shopping (pick me up somfin)

-mas for kev

*I actually really want a slapchop. Please, someone get me a slapchop.

Internetz?....

....On Airplanes?????

Ach! This plane is definitely crashing.

Also, please enjoy your mealz. I'm going to New Mexico without my sister because she has swine flu. I think it's because of all of the kissing parties hosted by her theater company.

As a result, the only think that makes being at my fathers house even remotely bearable is not going to be there. If it's even remotely possible, I'm bout to get all wasted.

Ugh, just realized the gravity of the situation.

Don't think about it Don't think about it Don't think about it Don't think about it Don't think about it Don't think about it Don't think about it Don't think about it Don't think about it Don't think about it Don't think about it.

Thought about it.

This boat is obviously sinking.

-kevin turkey

p.s. We got the dog yesterday. His name is officially Manny Pacquiao. And he has wormz.

p.s.s. Hilarious foto comparison.

listening to melt banana....

...has at once brought me a step closer to a permanent place of hyperactive, ecstatic mania.

It has also delivered me to the door of a nervous breakdown.

I thought about ending there, but it seems dangerously close to twatting.

Uh, i've been meaning to start listening to melt banana for like 4 years. Never did. Finally bought some songs on the internet. And when it comes on itunes i force myself to listen all the way through. And it's good. Like, really good. But i find myself bouncing uncontrollably and getting funny looks. It's also become clear that listening to what is the sonic equivalent of a pixie stick is not conducive to clear, well thought-out writing.

RaWR!

-ekvin

here's....

....a bunch of reasons why schools in the Americuh are the not good.

1/ Wall decorated with strange dogmatic instructions for learner outcomes like, "Student will demonstrate adequate control of first-person narrative in written work." Who the fuck is this for? 3rd graders? Teachers? I, for one, was TOTALLY INSPIRED by these things, which are all over the elementary school.

2/ Cafeterias smell like factories, just like when i was in school.

3/ 60-something year old, white, mean teachers are sucking the will to learn out of 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th graders who are not white everywhere i turn. It hurts to watch. Why don't these teachers get fired?

4/ Clear de facto segregation, even in the most "progressive" of southern college towns, Athens, GA.

5/ In the, "Where can I look to find facts?" poster outside of a 2nd grade classroom, "Google" ranks 4 spots above "Books".

This stuff just struck me on my last day of the semester for facilitating a tutoring program for 3rd and 4th graders. It might be my last day ever, depending on how things shake out.

There are also good things about schools. Children are awesome. Some teachers are awesome. But even visiting a school for an hour and a half a week for 6 weeks makes it clear that we're doing something wrong.

i have no control over 1st person narrative.

-kevucation

Am i still in the South?...

...I am, without a doubt, in the South.

This is just a brief little description of where i went yesterday, so that i will not forget it.

Sometimes, i write this as letters to space. The nice thing about these letters is that the internet is infinite carbon copies.

I went to a town that is sort of a suburb of Atlanta (~20 minutes away), it is a strip mall paradise, Emily reminded me what a subdivision is. This was a town where i think most of the houses were situated within subdivisions.

I was in this town to get my car's windshield fixed. I have a friend whose brother installs them for a living. She has become a consistent person that we spend time with, along with her kinda boyfriend.

She is friendly, optimistic, and energetic, if a bit neurotic. She has a southern accent that seems to be fading with more time in graduate school. She is not an idealist and it is clear that she has some issues with race that are embedded in her mind, probably due to a certain kind of upbringing that was cemented when no one was willing to tell her not to be a racist.

The plan was to meet at her parents' house, have her brother install my windshield for $165 dollars, possibly have dinner, and then to go home. I guess I've been so insulated from this 'America' that I'd forgotten what it was like. Immediately upon shaking hands, I was transported to my fathers house. A man with a medium build and a goatee, drinking beer and taking down his above-ground pool for the winter. A woman cleaning her house for the week, Velveeta cheese on the stove, and a bible verse pulled up on a laptop. Football was playing on three televisions in three rooms with a radio broadcast game in the garage.

My friend's brother had an adorable new baby, and the baby's mother drifted aimlessly from place to place as we waited for my new windshield to set.

There was a cute small dog. It liked to chew on golf balls. If you hit the balls into the woods with a golf club, the dog would sprint in and retrieve them for you. The dog had dark fur with tan accents. As Em and I stood, watching the brother hit balls into the woods, two other children riding a four-wheeler, and listening to stories about my friend's childhood, the sister-in-law made a seemingly innocuous observation.

"Good thing that dog's black. I white dog wouldn't fetch them that way."

I laughed at the observation, not knowing what it meant, in an effort to be polite. I'd laughed at everything i heard to that point, even though most of the jokes were not funny. Then Em and i made eye contact, and i realized that i should not be laughing.

In fact, i was appalled. I returned to a moment minutes earlier when my friend told me that that the family had left their old neighborhood because it was too "dark". I was reminded about this later. I also returned to several things that just...were wrong I've heard my friend say. Her kinda boyfriend calls her out on this stuff, usually before I open my mouth.

Anyway, this was all disgusting. Em and I sat with our friend in the living room, and ate chili and velveeta and cheese and watched football. Then we drove home feeling kinda sick. Or I felt kinda sick anyway.

The short version brings me back the title of this post.

I am, without a doubt, still in the South.

love,
-kltee

ifyoufeellowtoday....

...ihopethischangesthat.



hellyeah.

-unikevin

ode to...

...the dreadlock rat tail guy.



Esteemed Rat Tail Guy,

There is something growing out of your head.

What could it be?

Did you rush your barber? Pay her for 95% of a haircut? Insinuate that his razor might be put to better use on his lady's moustache?

Is that valiant tress the last known member of the famed dreadlock resistance army?

Or is your skull simply pooping?

Your girlfriend is not attractive. That's ok. She never says anything about your smell and will even occasionally attend your Devilstick competitions.

You are a rogue agent, Rat Rail Guy, and that's fucking righteous. Grow that thing out ad infinitum. No person can take your head poop away from you. It is yours and yours alone.

Your hairdo gives honor to all of that lone dred's fallen brethren.

I salute you,
-rat terr

this is what happens...

...when a chubby Jewish man who has henceforth written shallow, amusing, strange, and catchy ditties starts to write about what is in himself. What results is all of the best neuroses of Annie Hall and Portnoy's complaint whined over music that is serious, sad, and serene. But still strange.

Witness "Eskimo Snow", the newest release from Why?. I bought this record because I liked the self-titled Joey played for me in college. I've been listening to it a lot and the lyrics of the song below ("Into the Shadows of My Embrace") are something special, I think. I played it on the radio the other night but the person in charge of me made me turn it off after he sang "masturbatin".


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I conquered my own childhood silence and now the world is my lit confessional marquee,
but it'd take a busload of high school soccer girls to wash those hospitals off me

Oh, am I clean?
Nineteen.

They said sex will keep you young and make you older at the same time,
They said sex will have left you aged normally,
And so I guess it's sorta like smoking and walking at the same time
In that it will have left you aged normally

Oh, am I clean?
Lord, please, why me?

I wish I could feel close to somebody but I don't feel nothing.
Now they say I need to quit doing all this random ffff-(uckin)
Now I think my upstairs neighbor hears me masturbating,
And there's other one's peeping through the slits in my curtains
And I never got a name for my shady compulsion
'Cause i messed up and kissed my shrink in a jersey city hotel room..
And I know saying all this in public should make me feel funny,
But ya gotta yell something out you'd never tell nobody.

We found the dead fox, and a dozen matchbox cars, when we cut back the hedges on Cortelyou place,
How many got lost left so long they grew moss 'cause they recoiled into the shadows of my embrace?
We found the dead fox, and a dozen matchbox cars
When we cut back the hedges on Cortelyou Place,
How many got lost left so long they grew moss 'cause they recoiled into the shadows of my embrace?

Oh, am I clean?
Lord, please, why me?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dunno...I thought that these lyrics were pretty good and expressive of why (Why?) people sing disturbing and/or embarrassing things on physical artifacts (albums) for thousands of listeners forever and on. So I gave them to you in print.

You should listen to this album.

i'll never write a movie with a father character who speaks like an animatronic in an afterschool america,

-kevin?

Sometimes it's hard...

...to say goodbye.

Apparently, Geocities, the free webhoster, is closing. (Thanks to lastplanetojakarta for the linked tip).

I am not particularly depressed about this, but It takes me back and makes me feel a little weird about how in my first computer class (possibly my first point of contact with my lord and savior, the internet) we had to make geocities pages. Mine failed terribly. I am not tech savvy.

So yeah, something foundational in my experience with a daily use tool is now kaput.

I think that the third comment on the linked article, brought to us by "lazycat202" best expresses my sentiments.

"Geocities was a good web service. At the end, every body have to die."

Actually, the second sentence is fucking deep.

Every body have to die.

-kevtoncity

hey! i can't find that darn radio...

...(mouth noise) yo, turn it to that station.

This is just the briefest of announcements. Through a little bit of random personal effort, I've landed a 2 hour spot on my local college radio station, WUOG.

My shift is from 10 to Midnight, Eastern Standard Time, this Saturday, October 24th (holy shit it's already October 24th).

online listening happens here:

http://wuog.org/live/

this could be really cool. or it could suck.
-kevjay

i'm at the pizza hut...

...i'm at the taco bell.

the title of this post really doesn't do justice to its real subject matter. soooo unfortunate when two notable events one kinda-sorta awesome, the other REALLY AWESOME occur pretty much simultaneously.

to finish off the first note (inspiration for title), it's a really catchy song about combination restaurants that you can download here. Thanks to overcompensating.com for that (i know it's cooler to find out about this shit on your own, but i didn't, nyah nyah nyah jerk.

THE REAL NEWZ!

Sister's getting murried! She's ENGAAAGED (thanks to Ranger) for that.

As far as I know, she and her beau ben is not getting married in a combination taco bell and pizza hut.

ANOTHER RAD NOTE: I get to be all the bridesmaids. By myself! I R Made of Honour!


Jungle Paradise!

iiiii'm every WOman, it's all in miiiiiiiiii,
-kevsmaid

basta! ya...

...basta!

Lou Dobbs is most definitely a human manifestation of the way "news" is increasingly an entertainment-based industry designed to evoke negative emotions (a-la horror film) while purporting to be an accurate depiction of reality. Then people act on these fantasy horrors and we end up with general hate, hate speech, and (at very very worst) hate crimes.

Anyway, I won't write a treatise on all that here. There are plenty of media/movement people who dedicate much of their lives to this very cause and those people write about this much better than I could. Also, I expect that most of you already know that Lou Dobbs is a huge tool.

Nonetheless, I would like you to:

A) Watch this video:



B) Go this website:

www.bastadobbs.com

Sign the petition, get him off CNN. He'll probably move to Fox News soon. Still horrible, but at least Fox News has very little in the way of a veil of objectivity.

ya basta con el odio,
-kay

R-a-a-a-a-d...

...yes it is!

The Manhattan Experimental Theater Workshop (mxtw), which was a staple of my teenage development. It made my summers worthwhile. It made me a thinker! It made me a man (or something). In the parking lot of the Manhattan Arts Center I made some of my long-term friends and wrecked my car.

And now, there is a website. It is:

http://www.mxtw.org/

At this website you can read about a program you should send your kids to. And see some portraits of yourstruly as a young man. in black pants. and ill-fitting t-shirts. and you can read all the weird shit i wrote and helped to direct kids to write.

ooh this trip down memory lane is giving me th' cheelz,

-kevexteedublyu

fuck...

...columbus day.

why on earth would we celebrate the most visible of a group of dudes who committed genocide in the name of adventure and a bunch of rich europeans who really weren't particularly bad off? guy wasn't even a very competent asshole set on conquest, as those guys went.

fuck that.

let's celebrate Dikembe Mutombo instead. he's awesome.

-Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo (kevin) Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo Day

i don't....

...know why i read anymore.

Fortunately: I finally found something that was interesting in one of my academic text.

Unfortunately: It only served to upset me and further devalue the topic of study for this graduate course (national intelligence).

According to admiral stansfield turner, former director of central intelligence and intelligence historian, in 1961 the CIA dispatched an agent to execute Congolese Prime Minister Patrice Lumumba. This failed, though, as Lumumba had already been assassinated by political rivals. In turner's estimation, the CIA very likely cooperated in this as well.

I knew about and respected the historical legacy of Lumumba prior to reading this. Either I never knew about the U.S.' involvement in his assassination or I had forgotten about it. Regardless, I am incessantly reminded that the United States is party to projects that result in catastrophe for millions with devastating frequency.

I don't know how to react to this idea...it strikes me that publishing this on an open forum without question undermines any ambition to pursue leadership such that i might change what i despise. The incredible capacity of intelligence to gather information about people almost totally guarantees this (i suppose i owe this knowledge to my class).

i feel gross,
-kevin

kayperv! I coulda sworn you...

...wuz a nerd!



i is a nerd.

Linearity! Constant Variance! Normality! Independence! Fixed X!

-kevin of least squares

ps. Emily!

If you live in a town...

...where A Hawk and a Hacksaw is going to play in upcoming days, months, or years.

Go see them.

Do not make excuses not to go see them. Do not say you will see them the next time they are in your town. Go see them.

(But make sure to show up late because the people they are touring with are gawd-offal. I think they were called Damon and Naomi. Just bad.)

I won't link them, they are better live (but if you want to get an album or a song because you believe in me, their recorded stuff is good too).

Also, I won't try to write about what kind of music they play or why it is so very, very good because during some idle musings on the internet the other day I googled "Bitchfork Media" and got a whole slew of results that guided me away from wanting to do that any more at all ever.

I will say that it's a bunch of instruments atypical of those usually found at shows in rock clubs and the lead is an accordion and fingers fly and pretty things come out.

Sunday or Monday I am going to see Sunn O))) play in a church. I expect rad things.

Music makes you lose control.

-a kevin and a kevin

It's only kind of about healthcare....

...kind of.

I stumbled across an article from The New Republic the other day. It took me a long time to read it because I have become a very busy person. It's a very, very good article.

BLARGH.

(ARSB) Ayn Rand Sucks Butt. And she was weird looking.

Capitalism!
-kevitalism.

i am...

...reading news when i should be learning statistics.

i am also thinking about what i will say tomorrow when i am asked about the male workforce in developed countries in a class that i am taking on labor.

i think i'm going to say that it is fucked up that i have to talk about that stuff when most people who do "labor" don't live in the United States or Sweden or Japan or Germany. And talking about that stuff means I don't talk about stuff like this. (From a very interesting New York Times Article)

"Our interviews and perusal of the data available suggest that the poorest families in the world spend approximately 10 times as much (20 percent of their incomes on average) on a combination of alcohol, prostitution, candy, sugary drinks and lavish feasts as they do on educating their children (2 percent). If poor families spent only as much on educating their children as they do on beer and prostitutes, there would be a breakthrough in the prospects of poor countries. Girls, since they are the ones kept home from school now, would be the biggest beneficiaries. Moreover, one way to reallocate family expenditures in this way is to put more money in the hands of women. A series of studies has found that when women hold assets or gain incomes, family money is more likely to be spent on nutrition, medicine and housing, and consequently children are healthier."

Data can be interesting. That doesn't change the fact that I wish I weren't in a 3 hour lecture about using power transformations to make regressions more interpretable.

*shud-d-d-er*

-log(kevin)

Way to go....

...Canada.

This is a short, school-oriented letter.

From my readings:

“Few states take the view that they can dispense with an intelligence service and none is sufficiently immune from terrorism or the inquisitiveness of its neighbours to forgo a security service. It is true that a variety of patterns for organizing security and intelligence exists. Some states (for example, Bosnia and Herzegovina, the Netherlands, Spain and Turkey) have a single agency for security and intelligence (both internal and external). Others have distinct agencies for domestic and external intelligence and security, with either separate or overlapping territorial competences, as in the United Kingdome, Poland, Hungary and Germany. More rarely, a state may have a domestic security agency but no acknowledged or actual foreign intelligence agency: Canada is the exemplar of this approach”

I can't remember Canada being an especially attractive or susceptible target to foreign aggression. Way to be, Canada.

-O! Kevin!

Worth learning to embed video for....?

Prolly not.

S'ok though.

This is a Ukranian cover of a pop-song. I like it better than the original cause I think these guys (Los Colorados) mean it more. Plus that guy is playing one of those bass drums with other drums on it in a way I've never seen outside of cartoons.

Enjoy,



-kevorado

kevin has....

...some awfully strange friends.

Witness Colin. We met when he played Ultimate for one year at the University of Minnesota (he subsequently transferred back to Michigan, which he seems to like a lot). He has had several hundred frisbees printed with his face and signature on them. I also own a t-shirt, a pint glass, and a coaster (it goes with the pint glass) bearing the same
portrait. (I was gonna put a jpg of it up here, but apparently he has yet to brand the internet.)

Colin graduated from Michigan and is now a full-grown lawyer. He'll start making money soon. I think he may be the evil kind of lawyer, but that's ok. (Note: he may not be the evil kind of lawyer, I just like to pretend that I'm sure he is...makes for more interesting reading).

Colin is a special sort of egomaniac. I mean he's really quite lovable. If you've never met a lovable egomaniac, you're missing out.

As one of the perks of his job doing evil, they apparently give him a butt-ton of paid vacay (in advance even!). Most people would use this time to either a/ cleanse their conscience by giving whales mouth-to-mouth or something or b/ drink away their guilt. Not Colin. Colin has chosen instead to do a national tour of Cedar Point affiliated theme parks, winning stuffed animals and eating ice cream.

Proof:



You can read about it:

here.

I fuckn' love Colin. I fuckn' love you guys, too.

Fuckn' right,
-kevomaniac

I come back to Amerika and get on computer...

...for this!?

Right, I know. It's dumb. I'm back in the OOh-Sah and wanted to write and there's a bunch of stuff I meant to write about but I forgot all of it so I'm just gonna copy and paste from Wikipedia.

For those of you who read as many online comics as I do and then click the links that they provide about whatever it is they wrote about, you've already seen and read this. For those of you who don't, it's amusing. In Zambia, there have been reports of teenage kids gathering raw sewage, fermenting it, and huffing it to get high. The drug is reportedly called "Jenkem". That's not the funny thing.

The funny thing is that Fox News and other media agencies propogated this rumor that kids in the United States were using it. This was, as far as most people can tell, false. One kid claimed to know how to make/use it, but he was lying. This is what he had to say for himself:

The boy, "Pickwick," in September claimed that the "Jenkem" displayed in the photos accompanying his trip report "was faked using flour, water, beer and Nutella." He also stated "I never inhaled any poop gas and got high off it [...] I have deleted the pictures, hopefully no weirdo saved them to his computer. I just don't want people to ever recognize me as the kid who huffed poop gas."

Ha.

I'll post some pictures soon.

-kevthane gas

:......

...(



lost,

kevlorn

i'm on a super-secret, super-awesome....

...sort of reconnaissance mission.

I left Georgia 9 days ago. I came back to Minnesota. Here are things that may or may not have happened.

-I turned 23 whole years old. I am so old i think i'll die soon.

-I went to a cabin. Did two things for the first time. Thing 1. Fished off a boat. Thing 2. Went "tubing." Stupid water. (i like fishing)

- Found out most of my friends are leaving the country for extended periods of time. My spy network develops a little every day.

-Wrote a play with my friend Blaaaaaaaaaaake. It's about buuuuuuuuuckets. You can see what it's a part of heeeeeeeeeeere.

-Made plans to start a "joint blog." World, prepare yourself to be KevinZoe'd

-Drank too much. Too much. I am past pained kidneys. I've drank so much in the last 4ish days that my fucking feet hurt.

In the next few days, these things will happen.

-A sort of ongoing one is that I'm learning where all my friends are. And taking their pictures. On film. I think fotos are neat. So you'll see some soon.

-I will go to Seattle to do pretty much the funnest thing ever.

-I will go to (breath) AtlantaNewYorkTorontoHeathrowOxford for a month. It's gonna hurt me. Hooray for tests of personal vitality.

-That one just before this one means it's time for a new...Travel Blog. That's here. There's nothing there yet, because i'm not there, silly!

Whew! Busy week.

luvs and luvs,
-mykevinfliesovertheocean, mykevinfliesoversthesea, (somethingsomethingsomethingsomething), andbringbackmykevintome

leo...

...nardo. (I'll admit, the intros and the sign-offs get harder and harder).

I watched a movie last night. I'm not a "movie person" per se. Because I'm not a "movie person" I usually don't watch a lot of "movies." I'm also less inclined to be moved to tears by a movie than I am by a book or music. I also don't usually consider myself at all qualified to rate them as "excellent" or "terrible." Instead, I usually just leave it to a bit of muttered complaint and I move on to whatever else it is I wanted to do.

But anyway.

I watched Revolutionary Road last night and I absolutely hated it. hated, Hated, HATED it. Not because of any particular cinematic quality, the acting was a B-B+, the directing was fine, the plot was uninterestingly interesting. No, I asked to turn it off at several junctures because I simply couldn't stand to watch what was happening in the film. It wasn't because I was sad for the characters, they weren't really worth it in my estimation. I didn't want to watch anymore because the movie made me afraid of things that might happen to me.

The movie details the activities of people who are too afraid to do interesting things with their lives for all of the normal reasons. And it is not a movie of triumph. It is a movie of personal thrills that all build to failure. Thrills that most people pursue when they are afraid to pursue what they've always imagined was the right thing. This movie evoked terror in me that I don't imagine that Drag Me to Hell (which, coincidentally, I also want to see) ever could.

The unshakable dread that I was stricken with after it ended brought me to this realization: it was a really, really good movie. I think that any piece of art that is able to weasel its way into the depths of your brain, scratch around, and emerge with things that you didn't know you loved or found amusing, or knew you were scared of but had never had to stare in the face for two straight hours, is a success. And I'm sure that some other people who've watched this feel the same. I think that the individual components of this post do not warrant internet blather. What I found worth sitting down and writing is that I can't remember an instance where I could not deny the blazing quality of something that I could not stand.

long live the kevolution.

Adventures are tricky fish...

...I went on an adventure-to see Bonnie Prince Billy at the Belcourt Theater in Nashville Wednesday night!



5 hour drive. 2 hour show. 7 hours at the redroof inn. 6 hour drive back.

that's living.

Adventure 1: Drop the dog off with a man who scares him.

Adventure 2: Eat a KFC fried chicken breast plate (sides of coleslaw and gravytatoes, please) while driving 65 miles per hour in the mountains.



Adventure 3: Lost in Nashville, where the fuck is the Belcourt?

Adventure 4: Made weird eye contact with the fiddle player who had recently had a baby because I was IN A SECOND ROW SEAT OMG OMG! Sparks flew.



Adventure 5: "Hard Life" encore. You are a sexy weirdo, Mr Billy.

Adventure 6: The Redroof room was most assuredly room for smokers.

Adventure 7: Weird neck ailment, can't turn my head to the left. (It persists).

Adventure 8: Torrential rain all the way home.

Adventure 9: Snuggles in the backseat to wait out the rain. I don't think I'll forget that.

Adventure 10: Hanging out in my friend's expensive suburban crib while he's away at a movie. Small dogs can occasionally be teh cayoot.




Little adventures, big smiles.
-kevin "prince" terry

A devotional...

...of sorts.

the other day i was hungover. something compelled me to drive to the mountains in north georgia with a book, a gallon of water, and a cup of coffee.

i climbed to the top of a small mountain (borderline hill). i read a page that had been folded for me. i took off most of my clothes and lay down in the dirt with the ants and i thought about what i had read. it was as close to a religious experience as i have had in a very long time. this is what the passage marked on the page i mentioned said:

This is what you shall do: Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the yough and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body"
-walt whitman

that was a very nice thing that i did.

-kevelation

ps. thanks, d.